You’ve heard of spoon theory, and here I come with “bullshit theory”.
As I was relaxing and looking forward to two weeks off, finally starting to relax, my hubby had a minor medical emergency that was scary when it happened but no big deal after it all got sorted. It was ‘An Bullshit’: One item of really annoying, scary, surprising, unavoidable, semi-in/sufferable rigmarole involving lots of tension and a car trip. And at this early stage of a vacation where I am trying to recover from burnout, it was my allotment for the day.
I feel like, generally, I can handle two bullshits a day and I have a backup bullshit mitigation kit in my purse. Previously, if there was a trip or some event that was making my anxiety flare up, I’d pack a few extra bullshit mitigation kits and keep an eye on dates to make sure two things that were likely to involve some extra bullshit weren’t happening at the same time. I feel I can also pre-deal with some of the more predictable bullshit, which basically involves the bullshit of travel-planning and time-blocking and setting appointments and such.
If I encounter bullshit beyond my limit and resources, it basically is left to chance. I might be able to handle it like any other bullshit, I might have a panic attack, I might call someone to distract/empathize/advise, I might flee, I might fight. My responses at that point are unpredictable and unreliable and thus I try to keep below my limit.
Prior to this time off, I realized I was having unpredictable responses upon reaching the second bullshit of the day. It was semi-surprising, but then I realized that I had only been dealing with my usual half-a-bullshit-a-day from work (that I get paid for) and I wasn’t dealing with the usual extra bullshit that accompanies a commute in Atlanta. But it also meant when I sat down to try and pre-plan around bullshit for a multi-day birthday road trip, well in advance, I didn’t have the energy/grace/thoughtfulness to deal with basic travel planning. Because travel right now seems extra bullshitty because of *gestures at news cycle late May 2022*… I decided to scuttle the trip and just use the free time to see if I could recover.
This week has involved a lot of waking up semi-exhausted but less irritable, I have learned to call this mood “Unclenched”. I have also noticed I’m not getting bored at all. I have another week of no planned upcoming bullshit and the hope is by the end of it I am back to handling maybe two bullshits a day… but I am not sure… we’ll just have to see.